Facing your fears

Well I have my appointment with the endocrinologist today.  I don't know for sure that they will do a biopsy but I'm prepared if they do.  I've thought a lot the past few days about Job.  Now I am no where near the type of person Job was but yet it seems that God has chosen to allow all of these different trials to come at once.  If it wasn't for the Lord and the church family He has given me I don't know if I could make it.  It has felt like the old saying has come true when it rains it pours but I realize now that it's ok.  God's got this.  It rained on Job and he never cursed God.  It's raining now but with the strength that the Lord gives I will stand I will glorify Him no matter what.  I've prayed for years that if it took me facing major sickness to save my family that the Lord would do it.  I don't know yet what this is but all I want from it is His name glorified and souls to be saved.  It's funny you would think I would be scared right now but I'm not.  Whatever it is and whatever it means I know He's in control and will bring me thru either on this side or the other.  Life is full of curveballs and trials it's how we handle them that makes a difference.

Doctor's appointment #2

I had my second appointment with Dr. Hathaway this morning.  I'm so excited she scheduled me for what should be my final appointment with her next month and she scheduled me for my RD 2 class.  For those who don't know the RD 2 class is to help you with planning for your liquid diet as well as for life after surgery.  So if all goes well and I lose my last 8 lbs I will hopefully see the surgeon in June which I hope means surgery in July.  I'm so excited and proud of myself.  I lost 12 lbs in a month's time and I'm feeling a whole lot better now.  I have set my mind to lose a total of 190 lbs with the help of the surgery.  The surgery is only a tool and I know that and I am determined to make it work for me.  I've already seen a change in how my clothes fit and I can't wait for the day when I have to go shopping to find clothes that fit a smaller me.  Most of all though I'm ready to be healthy and active.

Fear

Fear is one of the hardest things to overcome.  Right now I've had a lot of it and I'm so tired.  There's things we've been dealing with as a family that have wiped me out but now my health has become the problem and the fear creator.  I got word today that I have nodules in both my left and right thyroid that are gonna have to be biopsied and I'm truly scared.  Don't get me wrong if it's meant to take me home I know where I will go but it's hard not to think about all those that need me right now and all the dreams I've had.  It may be nothing and I may be worrying for nothing but something feels a little different this time.  I've told the Lord for a while now that I would go thru whatever it took to see my family saved and if this is it He knows what's best.  That doesn't mean that my flesh isn't saying run away.  It seems like here lately when it's rained it's poured and as I'm typing this I'm reminded of a song I first heard when a friend of mine's son was dying from cancer.
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings We pray for peace Comfort for family, protection while we sleep We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You're near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You're near And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know that pain reminds this heart That this is not, this is not our home It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears And what if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You're near What if my greatest disappointments Or the achings of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy And what if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise

What if all of this is so He can show how powerful He is.  I'm gonna do my best to rest in the fact that He's in control and I am His child thru the blood of Jesus Christ.  I love you all and I hope this is a help to someone who reads it.

Unexpected Challenges

Sunday we had a baby shower to go to and I thought I would be ok.  I was wrong.  I didn't expect or plan for them to have some of my favorites that I rarely get and on top of that I didn't think.  Had I been smart I would have gotten a cake plate so I didn't over do it but I didn't.  I got a regular plate and too much food.  Thankfully what I ate is coming off fairly easy but if I had planned I could have done a whole lot better so I'm already planning for Easter Sunrise Breakfast.  So I learned my lesson I have to plan for the unexpected or I may not keep my goals.  Recognize is the first step to solving the problem.

Push thru

Today is one of those days when I have to remind myself to just keep going.  My weight has bounced up a little bit and unfortunately I'm not surprised.  I'm back to 375 lbs but I know I can do this and I refuse to quit.  The next step I think is for me to add exercise to my routine.  I'm just trying to figure out what exercise to add.  I am looking at going ahead and getting a pedometer so I can start tracking my steps.  I also know my stress level can affect my weight so now I have to learn how to control my reaction to it.  That's where my prayer time comes in to play.  Without that time I probably would be insane by now.  Now it's time to go fix my thrive and get ready for work.

Changes

So it's been almost 2 years since I've posted and I have decided I need to start blogging again.  This time I'm going to get a little more personal in my posts because life has brought a lot of changes in that time.  I am currently working for a radio station and I am now preparing to have surgery this summer.  I have spent most of my life as an overweight female and up until about a year ago it never really phased me.  When I started trying to get my dream job teaching high school history I started hitting a wall that I couldn't seem to break thru.  I never had considered that employers may see my weight as a problem until in an interview I was asked if I had chronic illnesses.  Now believe it or not for most of my adult life I have managed not to get sick a whole lot.  When I was asked that question it stunned me and made me realize that might be something that was being judged but not asked.  A year ago last month was when some things started to sink in.  We lost my cousin who was only 10 years older than me to a heart attack.  Needless to say that makes you start examining things.  So in February of this year I took the first steps toward Bariatric surgery because I want to be here for my family for good long while and because I'm ready to be healthy.  On Feb 13th I had my orientation appointment.  At that time I weighed 391 lbs and to beat it all that's not my highest weight.  As of today I weigh 375 lbs which for me is a big deal because I hadn't been able to get below 380 lbs until now.  I have 2 more doctors appointments and 10 more pounds to lose before I will hopefully get to see the surgeon.  So while I go thru this journey I am going to blog and maybe some of you will find encouragement from it.